Grief and the Path Back to Ourselves (part 1 of 2)
Part One: Understanding Grief as a Human and Spiritual Process
~5 MINS READ
Definition of Grief :
the emotional, physical, and spiritual response to any significant loss or change, a natural and universal process that reshapes how we understand ourselves and the world.
What Grief Is
Grief is not a sign that something has gone wrong. It is evidence that something mattered.
Many people carry an unspoken belief that grief means they are failing. That belief adds shame to sorrow, and shame is one of the fastest ways to make grief feel unbearable. Grief does not mean we are broken. It means we are alive, bonded, and capable of love. When we begin here, grief stops being something to diagnose or manage and becomes something to understand.
“Someone I loved once gave me a box full of darkness. It took me years to understand that this too was a gift.”
Why Grief Arrives
Loss, identity change, and the tides of becoming
Grief arrives like the tide, though not always with the same rhythm. Sometimes it comes quietly, almost shy, changing the atmosphere of a room before we can name what is happening. Other times it breaks into life without warning, demanding attention through tears, exhaustion, or a sudden collapse of certainty. A memory can pull it forward the way the moon pulls water. Stress can sharpen its edges. Safety can soften it again. Long before the mind forms a story, the body often knows that something meaningful has shifted.
We often associate grief only with death, yet grief arises whenever love, identity, meaning, or stability changes form. It comes with divorce, betrayal, spiritual collapse, trauma, community rupture, or the quiet dissolving of parts of ourselves that once held us together. Grief touches those who have been harmed and those who later recognize the harm they once caused. It belongs to the personal, the ancestral, and the unseen spaces between them.
I have known grief in many forms. War and its long shadow. Identities dissolving before I was ready to let them go. Partnerships ending with silence or sorrow. Dreams collapsing the moment I reached for them. Friends I could not save. Loved ones dying in my arms. Intimately courting death within self and other. The sharp ache of fatherhood during seasons when distance from my children felt unbearable. Even the grief of recognizing how my own unconsciousness once hurt people I cared for. Grief humbles. It brings us back to our most human self.
What Grief Really Is
Emotional grief, somatic grief, and spiritual initiation
Grief rarely arrives in one shape. It may feel like numbness one day and raw intensity the next. It can appear as longing, anger, confusion, relief, or a quiet ache beneath ordinary activities. It can vanish for months and come back in a single breath. Grief spirals rather than proceeds in a straight line. It returns in new forms as the nervous system gains capacity.
Grief is the psyche releasing what it can no longer hold.
Grief is the body recalibrating after something meaningful has changed.
Grief is the spirit remembering what is true.
Grief often moves across multiple layers at once:
emotional waves that defy logic
bodily sensations that arrive before understanding
spiritual disorientation followed by unexpected clarity
In many contemplative traditions, grief is understood as initiation. It softens the protective layers of identity and loosens illusions we once relied on for safety. It brings us closer to the essence beneath our roles and stories. Grief is not the opposite of healing. Grief is one of the ways healing reveals itself.
“Grief is an emotional, physical, and spiritual necessity, the price you pay for love.”
The Body and the Nervous System
The science of grief and how loss lives in the body
The body often responds to loss long before the mind understands what has happened. Cortisol rises. Breath tightens. Sleep becomes shallow or fragmented. Concentration scatters. Appetite shifts. The nervous system is reorganizing around an inner reality that has changed.
Common nervous system responses to grief include:
disrupted sleep and appetite
shallow breathing or chest tightness
emotional flooding or numbness
fatigue, shaking, long exhalations, or sudden collapse
These responses are not failure. They reflect the intelligence of a system adapting to loss.
I learned this during a moment of traumatic news. My body reacted before a single thought formed. My knees hit the ground. My breath broke open. I sobbed in a way that felt instinctive and ancient. When the wave passed, a strange clarity followed. I remember the feel of the floor beneath my palms, oddly grounding, like my body was anchoring itself before meaning arrived.
Grief moves like nature. When a tree loses a limb, the entire ecosystem adjusts. Soil composition changes. Light shifts. New growth finds its way around the loss. Nothing heals in isolation. Grief moves through the body the way change moves through nature, reshaping what remains so life can continue in a new form.
The Many Forms of Grief We Carry
Everyday grief, identity grief, and collective grief
Most people carry grief without realizing it, and it often shows up in ways we do not immediately recognize. It can appear as irritability, withdrawal, anxiety, emotional distance, or the sense of living just a few inches away from oneself.
Grief can arise from:
loss of predictability or stability
shifts in family roles or relational dynamics
ruptured relationships and unresolved endings
vocational collapse or identity dissolution
spiritual disorientation and loss of meaning
the residue of trauma, including war and chronic stress
grief for earlier versions of ourselves
We also carry ancestral grief, collective grief, and ecological grief. There is the ache for the earth, the ache for the suffering of others, and the ache for the world we know is possible but not yet here.
When grief becomes unbearable, the psyche may reach for despair. This does not mean a person truly wants to die. It often means the pain has exceeded what the nervous system can hold alone. In these moments, presence and professional support are essential.
“What we resist persists.”
Signs of Unprocessed Grief
When grief goes unfelt and distorts perception
Unintegrated grief rarely stays quiet. It tends to move sideways, showing up in places that do not immediately look like sorrow. People often say they feel off without any clear reason, and more often than not, grief is sitting quietly underneath.
Unprocessed grief can look like:
irritability, mood swings, or sudden shutdown
relational disconnection through avoidance, mistrust, or numbness
loss of meaning that reflects inner reorganization
overworking or hiding behind roles
fatigue, chest tightness, headaches, or disrupted sleep
projection through blame or judgment when grief has no language
Recognizing these patterns does not remove the sorrow, but it softens the shame around them. Understanding creates space for compassion to emerge where self-criticism once lived.
Working With Grief and Getting Support
Daily practices and the bridge into deeper work
Working with grief is less about fixing something and more about creating conditions where the heart, body, and psyche can unfold at a human pace. Small gestures matter. Quiet attention matters. Healing comes through expression rather than suppression.
A resource I often recommend is The Wild Edge of Sorrow by Francis Weller. His work returns grief to the communal and spiritual fabric where it belongs.
If you want support beyond self-practice, this is also where coaching can matter. Grief coaching is not about being fixed. It is about being accompanied while grief reorganizes your inner life into something more honest. If you'd like to explore my ceremony or coaching programs, you can check out my offerings page.
To explore how grief moves through ceremony, psychedelics, and integration, continue reading:
Part Two: Grief and the Path Back to Ourselves: Working With Grief Through Ceremony, Psychedelics, and Integration.
If you recognize unprocessed grief shaping your life and want to explore it with guidance, begin with a short conversation to see whether this approach is right for you. Pass this on to someone navigating their own grief. And if the timing feels right, book a discovery call.